Time Left Behind
I’m not usually one to leave something unattended, more so compulsively towards the opposite. I almost always have with me some sort of a journal, tinkering away at a concept or maintaining lists of what more there is to be done. Logical to me, sure, but from a little self recollection and a third party perspective, I’m sure it's obsessive. Yet I find it to be pivotal, the journal is to me as the helm is to any ship along a journey in the vast deep sea. Without it I am lost, free to the alterations of whatever forces may drift me off course.
Much has happened in these last few months of my absence, growth in many ways yet not all was so light heartedly obtained. Among the very foremost and the reason I started writing this piece, was a sudden trip to Arizona. News had reached my immediate family in Florida that my great grandmother had a very drastic injury, frightened by the sudden images of mortality, we planned a trip. Only my grandmother and I were able to go on such short notice. From this point, a strong concept of deja vu struck my mind. Although the vast majority of my family lives in Arizona, we had rarely visited. It has been almost 12 years since my last time seeing everyone. The last trip wasn’t under such frantic circumstances but was also my grandmother and I for the most part.
The trip itself was stupendous and surreal, everything reminiscent of distant memories and now revitalized from a current gaze. My great grandparents' home was vibrant, as if the moment I stepped through the door, all images of it from my mind had been dusted off and shined with a nice veneer. It’s welcoming, warm colored walls with scattered family portraits and decadent bookshelves. Antiques laid throughout the home, evidence of long lived, personal touch to this home. Even the same rusty swing set and tetherball pole is as it was 12 years ago, even the smile on my great grandfather's face.
No longer a child, as I was previously when we were here, I feel as if able to take in from a new sense of appreciation and depth. Time spent and conversations had, meant exponentially more to me now than before. All of my aunts, uncles and cousins that I was able to see, although I knew who they were, now I felt as if I really had a chance to see the whole picture. Undisturbed by a Nintendo DSI or whatever it was the last time. Actually being a part of the festivities, rather than being dragged along for them. Something as simple as going on a morning hike, or a few hours spent shopping with them was astounding. The multiple times that I was with my great grandmother, able to properly converse and truly listen were a gift. Going back and forth with stories, memories and sharing what it was I had been up to the past years. Moments like these are important and have unfortunately come too few and far between for me.
Taking a drive along a state park and into mountain ranges, having a scary movie night while making cookies or working together on a giant meal with a family recipe can be looked at as foundational activities to one’s being. Quality time spent with distant relatives left behind stupefying benefits. However after the days I had with them were over, and I had to return back home, I was left with a perplexing feeling. Knowing immediately that I would be jumping right back into the same day to day grind, leaving all that emotion behind. For what it was, the joy and appreciation gained, why had that been nowhere on my lists?
How had an opportunity such as this slipped by me for so long. Years I had danced with the possibility, one that was realistically accomplishable but never acted on. A selfish desire towards accomplishment or a tunnel vision of activities, a few ideas come into mind on why I thought it ok to continuously delay. And for what? Another book finished, project started or income of the sort. Fastly fading prizes to my time and energy spent. Although I had gone so long feeling accomplished by something achieved and quickly onto the next, a deep sudden familial experience is rattling. It belittles all that grand ambition and calls for a greater sacrifice to be made for a substantially fulfilling reward. Being so materialistic and lofty minded had cost me. It didn’t have to be 12 years, but every day I chose it to go another one further, seeking the wrong goals. I hope to keep this lesson learned going forward, to not voluntarily sacrifice my time towards something that isn't truly worth it. I felt as if I had been living a full life but the realization of how that reality could be changed, and more days could have been spent, although I was busy, much time was left behind.
